


Control

by chilly83



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:13:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23673652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chilly83/pseuds/chilly83
Summary: A glimpse into Hank's thought after 7x18.
Relationships: Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 12
Kudos: 50





	Control

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I’ve had this swirling around in my head for awhile now. I was really hoping to have some insight into how Hank felt about everything that happened with Hailey, but due to the shortened season I don’t think we will. So, I tried to give myself some closure. 
> 
> Shout out to the Let’s Talk Upstead tumblr group for helping me talk out this idea! It’s always great to have a sounding board! Also, apologies for the abrupt ending. I really couldn’t think of a way to end it. 
> 
> All characters belong to Dick Wolf

There wasn’t a day that went by where Hank didn’t miss Al. Whether it was during the holidays or just after a rough case, Hank could always count on Al to fill the silence with, well, silence. On the rare occasion that he needed someone to talk to, Al always knew what to say. It was these times that he felt the loss of his best friend deep in his soul. And tonight, was definitely one of those nights.

As he leaned back in his chair, hand to his face, he replayed the moment in his head. The moment he lost control. Not control of his anger, no that he lost often. He stopped worrying about that years ago. What he lost control of this time was something that he rarely let anyone have a glimpse of, this time he lost control of his fear.

He couldn’t help himself. He tried reasoning with Hailey over the past few weeks. He could see he starting to lose control. He wasn’t sure if she even noticed but he did. It wasn’t exactly subtle; Hailey was an expert at keeping her emotions at bay so he noticed when she no longer could. He had never seen her lose control of a situation or display any kind of sign that she might be struggling with emotions. Even last year when she was involved with Adam and he struggled with the IA investigation, she seemed to be in complete control of herself. What was happening in her personal life never interfered with any cases or how she carried herself in the unit. He wasn’t even sure who on the team knew what was going on between Adam and Hailey. That’s how good she was at separating her emotions from her job. Always setting aside her feelings and what she thought was right to follow the book and stay inside the lines. It’s one of the things that he admired most about Hailey. The ability to, despite everything that she saw day to day, do the right thing despite how she felt about it.

As he poured himself a glass of scotch, he thought about how he had lost the ability to do that years ago. Maybe it’s because he was an old school cop. Him and Al were from a different generation, and they had a different way of doing things. He thought his way was the best way. When Erin began showing interest in police work, he began to teach her his code. Loyalty above all else and sometimes street justice is the way to go. Erin was his girl. She looked up to him like a father and followed in his footsteps. He tried to keep her reigned in and for a long time he was able to. But Erin, she couldn’t control her emotions the way Hailey did and that would get her in trouble more than once. As much as he wished he could blame Bunny for that, he knew it was his fault. It was part of the code he had instilled in her for years. He saw her try to follow in his footsteps.

Unfortunately, Erin had too much heart. She couldn’t shut off the guilt or the little voice in her head that told her she did the wrong thing. That conflict between her guilt and her need for justice destroyed her. In the end the only thing that could save her was leaving Chicago. No, not leaving Chicago, leaving Hank. It was something that took him a long time to realize but since he did, he lived by a new code. A code that said he would handle the dirty work so that his unit didn’t have to wrestle with their conscience. He would make sure that his code would not ruin another person’s life or career.

The last person Hank every thought he would have to worry about was Hailey. She was the opposite of Erin. She had a great life, a family that loved her, a support system that wasn’t him. She was a straight arrow and always made sure to reel in her teammates when she noticed them start to stray. She had a lot of experience in the force and had control of herself. He didn’t know the real Hailey though. He didn’t know that deep down, she was a little girl cast aside by the person who was supposed to love and protect her most, just like Erin was. He didn’t know that she wasn’t in complete control of her emotions like he thought. No, she was actually in complete control of her reactions. Deep down, the storm was still brewing, she just made sure that what she projected was clear skies with no chance of rain. Would he have watched her closer if he had known? As he poured himself another glass, he thought about how much he wished he could ask Al.

He couldn’t change what happened. No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t go back in time. After Darius, he thought that he had gotten through to her. They had more hard cases come through and true to form, Hailey tackled them head on. She showed no signs of losing control again. She even seemed happier since Jay came back to work.

Jay. He couldn’t help but shake his head. That’s all he could do while he waited for that bomb to go off. He was sure by now Hailey had told Jay. He was convinced that those two told each other everything. How else could they possibly be so in sync with each other. The level of trust that he saw between them he had never seen. You can’t get achieve that and keep secrets from each other. Maybe that’s why he hadn’t worried as much as he should have. Maybe he thought that Jay would stop Hailey if she started to stray too far.

He had noticed the way they looked at each other. Jay always sneaking a peek at her when she was not looking but always turning away before making eye contact. It almost hurt to see because he knew what Jay had been through. He noticed the change in him after Erin left. The happy go lucky replaced with dark and brooding. The only time he caught glimpses into the old Jay was when he was with Hailey. Even then, he could tell Jay was being held back by fear. But Hailey, Hailey absolutely beamed when Jay was around. Unlike Jay, she made sure every side glance she caught from him was met with a smile. Maybe that’s what threw him off. She was too happy to be wrestling demons. She smiled too much to be struggling with darkness.

But he now knows that was all a lie. Because there was a storm brewing and as much as she tried to hide it, Hank saw the clouds on the horizon. He had been here before with Erin. This time though, this time he would make sure that he wouldn’t lose another kid. He already lost Justin and he lost Erin. Even though he and Hailey had only known each other a few years, it was in his nature to protect his unit like he would his family. He couldn’t take another loss, especially one he felt at fault for. As much as he knew that Hailey was responsible for her own actions, he knew that she was following in his footsteps. And there was nothing in the world more terrifying to him.

That’s why he lost control. The overwhelming fear that he failed another daughter, dragged another bright future down into the mud. He couldn’t get through to her and that terrified him. He saw her future. Sitting in an office, drinking alone because everyone she cared about was gone. Either driven away by her choices or in the ground because of her mistakes. The light that used to be in her snuffed out and replaced by a darkness that was necessary to make the choices that they had to make. It was his life and he watched how close Erin came to living it. He was able to save her at the cost of having her in his life. He hoped Hailey wasn’t that far gone. Hoped that there was still a chance to save her. Hoped that some time working in a different office with more oversight, shorter leashes would do the trick.

His phone vibrating pulled him from his thoughts. He had been waiting for this call. He knew it was coming and wasn’t at all surprised it took only 25 minutes. He was already 3 drinks in. He was still in his office and still needed to make it back home. He knew he had to take the call, he owed it to Jay.  
“Voight.”  
“HANK! WHAT THE HELL DID Y-“  
“Halstead. I’m gonna stop you before you say something you will regret. I know you are mad but right now what you need to be is there for Hailey.”  
“No, what I need is-“  
“Jay. Your partner needs you. Anything you have to say can be said tomorrow. She shouldn’t be alone right now.”  
Hank sat and listened to the silence on the other end. He could hear Jay taking deep breaths and could only hope Jay was trying to calm himself down. He was relieved to hear the deep sigh on the other end of the line.  
“I’m going to be in late tomorrow.”  
“I figured. We can talk when you get in. Drive safe Jay.”

Well, that went better than he expected. He knew why he was calling. Not because Hailey was being sent to New York, no, it was because of what happened just 30 minutes ago in this office. He knew Hailey’s history with her dad. When he started yelling, he could see the shift in her eyes. When he threw everything off the desk, when he got in her face, when he was really looking in her eyes, he saw it. Not a light bulb going off letting him know that she heard him. Not the realization that she had really messed up. No, this was the opposite. What he saw in her eyes was nothing. They were vacant. She checked out, went somewhere that wasn’t the chair in front of him. Her fight or flight reflexes had kicked in. And it absolutely ripped at his heart that in that moment, she chose to run from him. He expected Jay to come to her defense, and he wasn’t wrong to do it. Hank had no intentions to defend his behavior but his decision to send her away, he stood by that 100%.

He turned off the lights to his office and walked out to the bullpen. He looked around at empty desks and felt a tug at his heart. This is his family. He would do anything to protect them, even if that meant protecting them from themselves. He couldn’t even begin to think about how he and Hailey would come back from this. He didn’t know how to repair the damage his outburst had done. He wouldn’t let himself be another man in her life she feared. He knew he had to address what happened but didn’t know when, didn’t know how. He walked over to the column where Al’s hat still hung. Man, he wished he was still around. He would’ve known what to say, what to do.


End file.
